Crash

I'm blessed in many areas but i never quite appreciated those blessings or chances i get but i can still afford to be generous. I've made a peace offer with someone who was on the edgy side. I've forgiven the mistake of underestimating me even though i never heard an apology 'cause i know i can do better and that matters. I've apologised first because partly, it was my fault too. At least i think so or is this one of my fragile-i-don't-wanna-lose-you behaviour?

I've stopped biting my tongue. The relevant individual have already known my most naked & sacred thoughts as she dives into my soul at the library. She still has to let me see the list. That was the deal, anyway.

Currently, I'm bracing myself as i take the routes i used to travel. I'm just letting 15year old me come out. Relationship-wise. It's rather unnerving as i try my best not to be a tyrant, to go out there and expose myself to agony. I've done selfless things before, a few more couldn't kill me. I guess? So i played my cards like an honest hero as i break down the walls that had imprisoned me for four years. I've stop detaching myself from emotions. I was about to lay myself I've laid myself before you raising the stakes on this bet. I assure you, i won't fail. I've never did. All the other times it didn't work out, it wasn't my fault because i've never believed in giving up. Until today i don't know why they leave without trying. I'm ashamed too sometimes.
BUT NOW
i kind of get the grip why they do. I seem to understand it more as i notice that if the other party never stops to listen, they person calling out will soon lose their voice and stop calling. One might never give up but does one listens closely? I feel like i want to disappear as i lose my voice. Or should i play it safe until I'm absolutely positive of risking it all? (sometimes i wish the confession sessions system i made with Peq will work with you. I've never tried thou but i have a feeling it wouldn't. It involves more than two. You need a mediator or a group. I am a part of 3 too.) Anyway it's bbr&r for me so for a chance to be with you, I'll gladly risk it all.

I know i've got a lot of stuffs on my heart right now and i'm trying to give myself some space as certain things aren't taking up shape yet. I'll drive slow now so i won't crash.

P/S: I'm waiting for my carousel candy tin.

February smarts

Sedikit sesuatu untuk dibaca. the blue's are my replies to what an email said about ppl born in February.

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and
abstract. Intelligent and clever.
" Yes, i am abstract. I am the Lizard King and i can do anything"
Changing personality.
" I don't think i ever change because people keep telling me you're still the same old eri"
Attractive.sexiest out of everyone.
" Is this true? huahuahua"
A real speed demon.
" I don't know yet larh ehk.. Still need to get me my license first."
Has more than one best friend.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble.
Honest and loyal. Determined to reach
goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
" Very true about me. Kepala angin. pemalu dgn strangers. Blunt and loyal."
Loves aggressiveness. Too
sensitive and easily hurt.
" thuglove, baybehhh. very soft and marshmellowy beneath the tyrannical & aggressive exterior."
Gets angry really easily but does not show it.
" yes, i keep the hurts bottle up. if they only knew how much hurt they've caused me, would they treat me better?"
Dislikes unnecessary things.
" yes. iya benar!"
Loves making friends but rarely shows it.
Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious.
Realizing dreams and hopes.
" i like new characters to observe. very kebulor, hees. daring tu tk sangat larhs. Bercita-cita tinggi dan berharapan besar."
Sharp.
" bushido code. make a decision withing 7breath. Uncertainty is a weakness"
Loves entertainment and leisure.
Romantic on the inside not outside.
" yes, i talk the stinkiest bullcrap ever but deep within all that is a marshmellow center." (eh. rhyme larh sia!)
Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift.
" yes. i love to spend."
Tries to learn to show emotions.
" but always sends out the wrong signals. Somebody said i say to many Bs instead of the As. Major screw-up kan. nabei hong kan lar joji."

All in all, i think what the email said about me is mostly accurate in general. Yes, i am a February Star. So know me a little bit better k. Kudos world.

Tagged. You're It!

Yau wasa yau! (mainland chinaman imitating nigga talk)
i've been tagged by Mai, the person in my link.

Each person who gets tagged needs to write a blog post of their own 6 idiosyncrasies as well as clearly state this rule. after you state your 6 weirdness you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their multiply id (ataupun yg sewaktu dgnnye) at the bottom of your blog. don’t forget to leave a comment that says "you’re tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog for information as to what it means.

1) I secretly like the feeling i get when i puke out my stomach acids while taking my first shower of the day. Yes, i like the vomit feeling. It's like everything you kept bottled up in your heart comes out in the open.

2) I hate changes.

3) I hate people who calls me by my real name. Only a handful is allowed to do so. It is something sacred. (to me)

4) I depend on my friends alot but in real fact i don't have a friend who isn't superficial. So i actually do not believe in friendships. Friendships are for fakes and posers.

5) I think that tracing the nose or brushing a beloved's hair is one of life's great pleasures.

6) I am prone to screwing things up that will later have a huge consequence on my life. If there's a Major Screw-up award, it should go to me. =D

Now are the people who I'll like to tag, *drumrolls*
1- Abg Erdin
2- Dadi
3- Sallihin
4- Sue
5- Izzabelle
6- My cousin, Dyla

♥ = be a hero, kill your ego [part I]

The future took you away. 'Cause while i was planning my grand happily-ever-after ending.
i forgot about the present.

I'm prone to screwing major things like my life for instance. See where i might be going off to now? Then there's the lesser major things like friendships and relationships. All this because i make things hard for myself and who is to be blame? Well, me of course, the true blue cynic. I never believed ppl would do something nice to you just because you're doing something nice for them. So i rather make life like a game. Super hard settings. Later on i forgot one important part of living. Which is to take a breather once in a while and be easy on myself. I'm so uptight when dealings with feelings but i'm so loose on the exterior. I couldn't go around telling ppl about this problem. Might as well i be an emokid and take a razor to my veins.

I didnt plan it like it was THE PLAN. It kinda happened eversince 2nd march '06 and after the silly note u wrote at Mc'D. (i still have it, just so you know.)

And that part about you not being jealous. I get that. THIS IS a solo man mission from the start 'cause i know i'm the batman here. I'm the one who fears competition. The one who fears rivalry so much that i just bitch about whatever they lack and magnify their exploits, by they i meant crimson, 255 and any soccer kid. And why should i be the one to tell 1st because honestly i've got not a clue that you felt the same. I don't think the feelings mutual. Like i said do you know how it feels to love and hoped that she'd feel it too.

'If you asked me not to go, i would forget everyone forget everything and start over with you'

And if you ever felt any chemistry at all why couldn't you push me against the wall, grab my previously long messy hair ala james blunt and clearly say in my ears "i want you bad so you can ditch your faeries, stop the foolery and get serious with me" because i'll gladly dispose of them if you do that. Man needs motivation, alright. Don't underestimate me by saying i cannot forget them when you never did ask.

"And all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out"

A Third Viewpoint

A close friend told me the following:

Thinking about others is almost second nature to you but there's a voice is shouting "what about me?me!me!me?" This should be the right time for you to stop all that and cut yourself some slack. You've been wanting people to think good of you for too long already. Relax lah, be yourself.

Am i doing what he said?
Wanting acceptance and all?
hahs.
If it's true, loser sia aku...

Special

fuck la. Must you always assume nonsense?
girlfriends are like way out of point here because they are such a waste of valuable time. Would i want to get stuck starting over from scratch and wasting time going through the process of getting-to-know someone to happily-before-break ups? NO.

If i wanna have a girlfriend, i want someone i already knew so well that i actually know how her brain think,blink and jam up.
i want to know how you tick.

I'd rather be alone, unperturbed but i spent my weeknights thinking about us when the fuckin' truth is that there was never an us to begin with.

If you're feeling easily replaceable and thinking that I'm having a ball of a time. Let me tell you 3things.
1: you are already damned from the start if you were replaceable.
2: I'm doing major multitasking so that i can think less and blink more. 'Cause my spot sucks.
3: fuck you. Do you think it's easy to be in my spot and have so many things to do? And you wanna feel special? You're in!

Not that i'm discontented at doing nothing much while witnessing my life turns to ashes. pfft.
i know how far i can go and the whole point is to curb the urge of stretching myself too thin. I want to snap. I feel like it.
It just feels good to snap under selfless acts. so i wouldn't have to care nuts about anything after that. You, included.

i can just get home, pile my clothes up on the swivel chair and pass out semi-nude on my brother's bed while reading a book. 'Cause that's how special you are cool i am.

Teens On The Edge

I was watching The Tyra Bank Show. This doctor that she invited over explained why teenagers usually do the wrong things in life as according to researches made. He said the frontal part of the brain which controls jugdement of rights and wrongs is remodelling itself to become a whole adult brain when someone is 13 to 21 years old and during that time teenagers like me get ourselves in a lot of mess because we don't think much of consequences. Our judgement of things is very poor that is why we get into problems that change us for the rest of our life.
So now i got something else to blame for the mistakes i've done. And that is the redevelopment of my brain to become an adult mind.


P/s: yes, i know i'm kental for watching Tyra.