There are some remedies worse than the disease

I've not been home for ages. So today when i got back around 6plus in the morning. I showered and then just lay in bed, staring out into space because regardless of how damn tired my body is, my eyes seem to disagree.

While my mind was lost in thoughts, my mum open my bedroom door and stood there for a few seconds. Probably in disbelief that i am finally lying in my bed. Then she came in and sat on the edge of my bed. Said something like, "cium mak sikit, dah lama tak nampak eri." I sat up so she could kiss me on my cheeks & return a kiss on her forehead. After that, i lay down again. I don't know why my eyes suddenly started to tear up but i held it back from falling & fought it off because tyrants don't cry. Especially for no reason at all. Masha just looked at me & then decided to lie down by my side for a while. Somehow a tear did escape me. I couldn't stand it so i brushed her off by picking up my cellphone & acting as if i was busy with something. Masha then stood up & left the room.

I'm sorry if i'm breaking your heart but i don't think i'm the son you knew. I'm not that iron-willed or jovial child you raised. I'm just a stranger in my own home now. Just give up on me, please. I'm not your eri malbari anymore. I gave up being him a long time ago because i've realised my purpose in life.

& just so you know, i am really sorry. I don't mean to be the black sheep of our family. It can't always be rainbows & butterflies. Not even from your brightest son. Hell, duality is as real as this gets. I guess i have to live carrying it's curse. As bright as i am in my successes in life, i am also your dimmest spark. I know it sounds crazy. Being the only son you gamble all your hopes on, i will also probably be the only one to shatter your dreams. Because that's my purpose on earth, isn't it? I have been trying to be the best since forever but i never get anywhere. I guess, some people are born to provide the problems so others could have something to work on. I am most possibly one of the people that's meant to screw everything up so you can appreciate all the little things in life. Because someone gotta do the dirty work, right?

Imagine if there were no people like me, will good exists? No! Because the good exists only when there is bad. Therefore, bad is actually a positive thing. That's one of the secrets to life.

Hey, i know i've never been the type to take the easier path in life. I've always been choosing the harder option because i used to believe we reap what we sow. However, right now i don't mind being thrash. Or sleeping on a park bench somewhere.

AND WHY IS THAT?

P/s: will there be the police force if there's no criminal? Go figure.