Life is Poetry

He loves her.
She loves him.
I'm in between,
partly unseen.

Life is like poetry. Sometimes it's woeful and forlorn. Sometimes it's totally sweet and brings a smile to your face. Sometimes it makes you, sometimes it breaks you. Sometimes it hooks you into it. Sometimes you don't even want to finish it. It can be beautiful or utter crap. Sometimes it depends on you. Sometimes it can be long, sometimes it's so short that's you don't want it to end. Just like life right? It can be so short-lived or long-lived but long isn't always good if you're going to suffer all the way and short isn't always bad if you go through it happy. Like lengthy poems that is empty and doesn't potray a deep meaning to it. Also like short poetry that engulfs you in a lot of emotions at one time.

Reckless

Come to think of it now, I've come to realise how temerarious my actions are in every aspects of my life now. Cunning has become rash and bold. An act of desperation and fear. I've always think that fear is a weakness of one's self. So is indecisiveness. Now, fear and indecisiveness, if we were to think about it is actually a vantage point. I could have exploited that fear and unstability to my own aid as an asset to not get involve in the events of that fateful night. But the past has come to pass. So this is all just a valuable lesson. A valuable lesson that i would like to share with you people who reads my blog. Learn to observe that things like this is like a card up one's sleeve. A hidden advantage only you, yourselves, is aware of. A trump card, a winning hand you have to keep your eyes peeled for. The slightest thing could have change the bigger picture.

Within you, i lose myself.Without you...i find myself wanting to be lost again. Somewhere there i wish i was rash and irrational. It could have been the lifesaver. sigh.

Great Mistake

My cloaking device is failing me and so are my powers. I can't help switching from HD kid to meteorite to SuperZero sporadically. Its as if i have no control over my actions anymore. I want to say things and the other party wants it to be said in a twisted manner. Ouh and the third party wants it to be left unsaid. With three heads waging war on each other within this tormented self, i find myself at a blank state of what to do and not to do. All three has come to agreement though that sleeping is a waste of one's time because each passing minute is a moment to change everything.

I can soo imagine the three ideas.
HD kid: You don't tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive.(the voice of tyranny and ego)
meteorite: Tell them the truth, you might never get to if you don't because forever doesn't last. They might be uncontactable once you're out.(The voice of desperation and sweetness)
SuperZero: Do nothing. Let it be. This will show you the real and true people in your life.(the voice of faith and no actions)

So far i've declared a few top secret things with a few people whose identity will remain discreet. Things they never knew about. Actually they thought the same way too like how arrogant ourselves are and how out of each other's league we are but we chose to keep quiet because ego against ego is not good at all. Then again i know it would have prevented me from getting into the mess i'm in currently. Having a significant other is like having a force to hold me back. But i shouldn't blame it on that, a hundred percent. Because.....

evey great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied. Movements born in hatred very quickly take on the characteristic of the thing they oppose. Common sense is judgement without reflection shared by an entire class, an entire nation or the entire human race. It's more of a personal touch on things. And i didn't apply it when things were happening. My very own great mistake.

Right now, before i go i want to write a few things on paper and i want my sidekick to be the witness and also the mind because my brain has ceased to function fully. I also want her to be my eyes in the outside world. To witness the blooming and wilting moments of my dearly beloved family and a few other people i care about. I have my brothers but i need an outside figure to help them deal with life.(outside. how ironic.) I believe she will not fail me this time like she had before. She will have to be the hero while i'm gone. The situation calls for it.

To dadi,
The end may justify the means as long as there is something that justify the end. That is the core why fwb is established.

"Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love took away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

Nailed to the cross, together
As solitude begs us to stay
Disappear in the lie forever"

Time Travel

. . .that was what it felt like when she had me against the wall with her loving arms around me. Following through the motion by planting a kiss on my lips. The way she wrinkles her nose as she pulls her lips away. A familiar face, a familiar moment. It felt like i was back in 2002. Do that again, yea?

"Put your loving arms around me
And it feels like shelter when you
Put your loving arms around me
And inside your arms I'm burning
Put your loving arms around me
And you whisper to me when you
Put your loving arms around me
And inside this love I'm yearning"

1st time i screw things up with you was because of Abby. Then it was cause of Martell. 3rd time i bumped into you when i was walking down the street with Miza but you know i only had an affair with one and you didn't mind. Then i burned the whole house down when i put a leash on you, when i devoted myself to only you, when i focus too much on you. I only drove you away. All these that happened 4years ago feel so present when you put your loving arms around me
just now.

You say i'm different now, i totally agree and you're still the exact same thing i love. Only that you've learnt to put on make-up. hahs. You say it still hurts. I say i'm sorry, i destroy everything i touch. I'm sorry this time too cause i make you worry. You told me how stupid i am. I got you mad. Mad at what i do to my mom, my family. You hit me like you always do when you're mad at me or when we play fight. Your punches hurt more now, you were always my little fighter. You say i never learn and sorry is all i can say. Sorry is all i've ever said.

The 'A', will you ever come back and restrict my misdeeds like you did back then?

p/s: when will i grow up and learn?

A Little Mishap

Perhaps i do ask too much from you. Ok, i know i do but sometimes it's how you define 'too much'. Why am i so demanding, you'd ask. Well, if you really would go as far as i would for you, you would know all the answers to that. But you always think of your sleep(what about my sleep?) and i feel you're too busy thinking about yourself most of the times that it never occured to you the entry i posted recently never took us anywhere(when i hoped it would). Only a short rendevouz at the train station on a rainy day. My actions have mostly been executed after thinking for you if i had said all my actions, i would have been lying, anyone would have been lying too. We lost pieces of our puzzle when we were going down the line, when we grew apart. You never stop to look for the missing pieces and i was half-dead then. And yes, i've realised my actions are like a paradox to what i say. Yet what i do has its own underlying reasons that i think you will never need to know because i'd thought she's my sidekick, why wouldn't she think for us? Why wouldn't she be aware of the reasons herself? Somewhere there I was wrong. I give your intellect too much credit. You think I chose my fwb blindly. Bear in mind that I don't. I've always handpicked fwb. (and just so you know, you're the 1st fwb and anyone after you didn't qualify.)

Look up my 'Blue Replies' post. Now, would i post it up if i didn't spend my time thinking about it? Read the last paragraph of it and go deep on it. There's a few things i want you to know that is subtly inserted here and there. If someone have always only seen the downside to relationships, a tiny positive thing goes a long way for him. That's why i never want to lose you and that is also why i made us promise each other a day travelling through our sweetest moments if we reach the end even though it never began.

But hey, i'm senseless right? You think my actions are. So if you want to ignore this, do so. Because one day, when you have time to think about us, you'll discover the senseless one and what you ignored isn't just this but us.

Here's a thing for you to think about, Why is there only one fwb? What does fwb really means to meteorite? And take into account that i'm not normal. and do you actually think or blink.

Tick Tock Goes The Clock.

So far i've seen the real people in my life. They know who they are and i'm rather disappointed at those who aren't really absolute. A few has yet to redeem themselves. Times like this exposes the hypocrites. beautiful.

Now i'm looking forward to my friday and contemplating my thursday morning.

Secretary

'Do you have so much
love
in your life
that you can afford to
throw mine
away?'

Yes, i believe you do now and that settles it.

In Between Forever And a Day

Before you read on this should have been posted way back but i'm gon post it now cause i might never have the chance to. cheers!

I've got so many hideous thoughts hovering over my head right now. Questions that needs no answers but enlightenment. What i'm saying you will probably not understand at all. Its as if i speak in unknown formats and i'm somehow aware that this dark side only tells you what it wants you to know. Even if you think that you've discovered something about me on your own, it's only because i want you to. Like a massive intricacy of the mind that controls me.

Next in line, i've got so much up in my head that i need a couple of people to know about but each time i try to tell them, to make them understand what i am or what i've got to say, only a faint whisper of breath escapes my mouth. A sigh of failure, i've had to repeat incalculable times like a song on a spoilt disc where once its about to reach the melodic chorus, it'll start to get caught in loops. So is the many times i've tried to voice out these personal views/ideas, it'll start transmitting the wrong frequency once i'm about to hit the spot. How annoying can my inabilities get?

Here is part of a song that conveys what i feel,
"Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
With all the things caught in my mind"

p/s:If you're hurting, i want to help. I'd liked to help.