It's never what you think it'll be

I had quite a memorable night before my birthday. The best part of it was roughly 15minutes after the strike of midnight. Broery Eikkz appeared with his +1 carrying a birthday cake. Along with 2big candles and 3little candles lighted on the cake. That's like my 1st birthday cake ever in my entire life. Super rad but i'll share the stories and pictures once i find the USB cable for my digital camera.

For now i'll just share an excerpt i gotten from a book which was one of my 1st few birthday presents ever:
"When i was in my teens, i made an appraisal of how comfortable my life could turn out when i became the age i am now. Because of a mechanical failure, the prediction was inexact. Things reversed. I ended up living somewhere i once avoided, with a woman i genuinely once disliked."

- The Fuck-Up by Arthur Nersesian.

You guys remember when you were younger and you had so many sweet dreams of how life will be like when you're older? Somehow when you reach that age, you realise things are the total opposite of what you hoped for and the most depressing part is you are usually doing something you hate when you were a kid. Guess life's like that, huh?

Loving A Disabled

So hard to paint a painting for the blind
And even harder to talk to the deaf
Miscalculations and actions mistimed
Let me rest a bit to catch my breath

I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't i ever learn
I've lost all my trust though
i've surely tried to turn it around
to turn around and go.

All i needed is perfect timing and someone normal. But no one is.

How did i live without you?

How can I forget you
when you're always on my mind?
How can I not want you
when you're all I want inside?
How can I let you go
when I can't see us apart?
How can I not love you
when you control my heart?


There are two versions of me. One is with you, the other without. The one without you is a Tyrant not a pussy. This is not the right eri w/o you version. This is an impostor. Something's fucked up about the w/o you version right now because the real w/o you version was a fricking organised chaos. Now he's just chaos. Pinjam fix-it kit anyone?

P/s: i'll never say enough to you. To you it's just nonsense.

There are some remedies worse than the disease

I've not been home for ages. So today when i got back around 6plus in the morning. I showered and then just lay in bed, staring out into space because regardless of how damn tired my body is, my eyes seem to disagree.

While my mind was lost in thoughts, my mum open my bedroom door and stood there for a few seconds. Probably in disbelief that i am finally lying in my bed. Then she came in and sat on the edge of my bed. Said something like, "cium mak sikit, dah lama tak nampak eri." I sat up so she could kiss me on my cheeks & return a kiss on her forehead. After that, i lay down again. I don't know why my eyes suddenly started to tear up but i held it back from falling & fought it off because tyrants don't cry. Especially for no reason at all. Masha just looked at me & then decided to lie down by my side for a while. Somehow a tear did escape me. I couldn't stand it so i brushed her off by picking up my cellphone & acting as if i was busy with something. Masha then stood up & left the room.

I'm sorry if i'm breaking your heart but i don't think i'm the son you knew. I'm not that iron-willed or jovial child you raised. I'm just a stranger in my own home now. Just give up on me, please. I'm not your eri malbari anymore. I gave up being him a long time ago because i've realised my purpose in life.

& just so you know, i am really sorry. I don't mean to be the black sheep of our family. It can't always be rainbows & butterflies. Not even from your brightest son. Hell, duality is as real as this gets. I guess i have to live carrying it's curse. As bright as i am in my successes in life, i am also your dimmest spark. I know it sounds crazy. Being the only son you gamble all your hopes on, i will also probably be the only one to shatter your dreams. Because that's my purpose on earth, isn't it? I have been trying to be the best since forever but i never get anywhere. I guess, some people are born to provide the problems so others could have something to work on. I am most possibly one of the people that's meant to screw everything up so you can appreciate all the little things in life. Because someone gotta do the dirty work, right?

Imagine if there were no people like me, will good exists? No! Because the good exists only when there is bad. Therefore, bad is actually a positive thing. That's one of the secrets to life.

Hey, i know i've never been the type to take the easier path in life. I've always been choosing the harder option because i used to believe we reap what we sow. However, right now i don't mind being thrash. Or sleeping on a park bench somewhere.

AND WHY IS THAT?

P/s: will there be the police force if there's no criminal? Go figure.

In Love & Whatever

Today i woke up shivering in bed with a gaping hole in my chest. I'm blasted through by some bloody cannon in my dreams again. 9days of dreaming the same pain. Over and over again. And there's some red flaky thing on my face. I had nosebleed while sleeping. What are the chances?! Why am still alive? Oh why didn't i just bloody well suffocate on it and pass on because the world doesn't treasure me. Nosebleed is so ancient. Fuck You!

P/s: How much is too much?

Nobody likes you when you're 23

It kinda gets lonelier when you grow older. Birthday's coming up. Never meant a thing to me before.

To be  fricking honest, I want it to be special at least once. Eh wait! I'm lying. It was special once or twice. The appearance of someone at my doorstep at midnight was totally awesome and i was actually kinda upset with that person for the little amount of time we were having before that(macam bingit tak tentu pasal) but all that negativity washed away by the simple gesture of surprising me on my birthday. Oh not to forget, the wineberry kisses were magical too. SO IF I'M REALLY MAD AT ANYONE, AND YOU WANNA MAKE IT UP. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ACKNOWLEDGE ME ON MY BIRTHDAY BY MAKING IT SPECIAL. UNFORTUNATELY, IT COMES ONCE EVERY YEAR SO IF YOU MISSED IT, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A YEAR MORE.

But i really really want my birthday to be effing special one more time because i've never quite had a lasting impression of it's awesomeness. No wishes or presents like a normal birthday celebration. Not even from my buddies. As if i don't exist. Acknowledge my presence, please. and i'll never let you down.

P/s: i guess my birthdays are my weaknesses.

Dancing Frenchie

'Do you have so much
love
in your life
that you can afford to
throw mine
away?'

Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option. A form of crutches to help them walk. Nice mask, anyway. ;]