spit poetry

Here's To A Quote

2011-08-09T16:18:00.000+08:00

Home.

2011-03-05T16:17:00.000+08:00

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire

It's never what you think it'll be

2010-02-16T23:41:00.003+08:00

I had quite a memorable night before my birthday. The best part of it was roughly 15minutes after the strike of midnight. Broery Eikkz appeared with his +1 carrying a birthday cake. Along with 2big candles and 3little candles lighted on the cake. That's like my 1st birthday cake ever in my entire life. Super rad but i'll share the stories and pictures once i find the USB cable for my digital camera.

For now i'll just share an excerpt i gotten from a book which was one of my 1st few birthday presents ever:
"When i was in my teens, i made an appraisal of how comfortable my life could turn out when i became the age i am now. Because of a mechanical failure, the prediction was inexact. Things reversed. I ended up living somewhere i once avoided, with a woman i genuinely once disliked."

- The Fuck-Up by Arthur Nersesian.

You guys remember when you were younger and you had so many sweet dreams of how life will be like when you're older? Somehow when you reach that age, you realise things are the total opposite of what you hoped for and the most depressing part is you are usually doing something you hate when you were a kid. Guess life's like that, huh?

Loving A Disabled

2010-02-15T01:07:00.001+08:00

So hard to paint a painting for the blind
And even harder to talk to the deaf
Miscalculations and actions mistimed
Let me rest a bit to catch my breath

I'm dying to catch my breath
Oh why don't i ever learn
I've lost all my trust though
i've surely tried to turn it around
to turn around and go.

All i needed is perfect timing and someone normal. But no one is.

How did i live without you?

2010-02-14T22:20:00.000+08:00

How can I forget you
when you're always on my mind?
How can I not want you
when you're all I want inside?
How can I let you go
when I can't see us apart?
How can I not love you
when you control my heart?

There are two versions of me. One is with you, the other without. The one without you is a Tyrant not a pussy. This is not the right eri w/o you version. This is an impostor. Something's fucked up about the w/o you version right now because the real w/o you version was a fricking organised chaos. Now he's just chaos. Pinjam fix-it kit anyone?

P/s: i'll never say enough to you. To you it's just nonsense.

There are some remedies worse than the disease

2010-02-09T09:47:00.001+08:00

I've not been home for ages. So today when i got back around 6plus in the morning. I showered and then just lay in bed, staring out into space because regardless of how damn tired my body is, my eyes seem to disagree.

While my mind was lost in thoughts, my mum open my bedroom door and stood there for a few seconds. Probably in disbelief that i am finally lying in my bed. Then she came in and sat on the edge of my bed. Said something like, "cium mak sikit, dah lama tak nampak eri." I sat up so she could kiss me on my cheeks & return a kiss on her forehead. After that, i lay down again. I don't know why my eyes suddenly started to tear up but i held it back from falling & fought it off because tyrants don't cry. Especially for no reason at all. Masha just looked at me & then decided to lie down by my side for a while. Somehow a tear did escape me. I couldn't stand it so i brushed her off by picking up my cellphone & acting as if i was busy with something. Masha then stood up & left the room.

I'm sorry if i'm breaking your heart but i don't think i'm the son you knew. I'm not that iron-willed or jovial child you raised. I'm just a stranger in my own home now. Just give up on me, please. I'm not your eri malbari anymore. I gave up being him a long time ago because i've realised my purpose in life.

& just so you know, i am really sorry. I don't mean to be the black sheep of our family. It can't always be rainbows & butterflies. Not even from your brightest son. Hell, duality is as real as this gets. I guess i have to live carrying it's curse. As bright as i am in my successes in life, i am also your dimmest spark. I know it sounds crazy. Being the only son you gamble all your hopes on, i will also probably be the only one to shatter your dreams. Because that's my purpose on earth, isn't it? I have been trying to be the best since forever but i never get anywhere. I guess, some people are born to provide the problems so others could have something to work on. I am most possibly one of the people that's meant to screw everything up so you can appreciate all the little things in life. Because someone gotta do the dirty work, right?

Imagine if there were no people like me, will good exists? No! Because the good exists only when there is bad. Therefore, bad is actually a positive thing. That's one of the secrets to life.

Hey, i know i've never been the type to take the easier path in life. I've always been choosing the harder option because i used to believe we reap what we sow. However, right now i don't mind being thrash. Or sleeping on a park bench somewhere.

AND WHY IS THAT?

P/s: will there be the police force if there's no criminal? Go figure.

In Love & Whatever

2010-02-06T13:05:00.000+08:00

Today i woke up shivering in bed with a gaping hole in my chest. I'm blasted through by some bloody cannon in my dreams again. 9days of dreaming the same pain. Over and over again. And there's some red flaky thing on my face. I had nosebleed while sleeping. What are the chances?! Why am still alive? Oh why didn't i just bloody well suffocate on it and pass on because the world doesn't treasure me. Nosebleed is so ancient. Fuck You!

P/s: How much is too much?

Nobody likes you when you're 23

2010-02-05T17:08:00.001+08:00

It kinda gets lonelier when you grow older. Birthday's coming up. Never meant a thing to me before.

To be fricking honest, I want it to be special at least once. Eh wait! I'm lying. It was special once or twice. The appearance of someone at my doorstep at midnight was totally awesome and i was actually kinda upset with that person for the little amount of time we were having before that(macam bingit tak tentu pasal) but all that negativity washed away by the simple gesture of surprising me on my birthday. Oh not to forget, the wineberry kisses were magical too. SO IF I'M REALLY MAD AT ANYONE, AND YOU WANNA MAKE IT UP. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ACKNOWLEDGE ME ON MY BIRTHDAY BY MAKING IT SPECIAL. UNFORTUNATELY, IT COMES ONCE EVERY YEAR SO IF YOU MISSED IT, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT A YEAR MORE.

But i really really want my birthday to be effing special one more time because i've never quite had a lasting impression of it's awesomeness. No wishes or presents like a normal birthday celebration. Not even from my buddies. As if i don't exist. Acknowledge my presence, please. and i'll never let you down.

P/s: i guess my birthdays are my weaknesses.

Dancing Frenchie

2010-02-01T21:30:00.001+08:00

'Do you have so much
love
in your life
that you can afford to
throw mine
away?'

Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option. A form of crutches to help them walk. Nice mask, anyway. ;]

There is always sunshine after the rain.

2010-01-16T09:01:00.002+08:00

...and if you're lucky, there might even be a rainbow. That's how the world is. Dark before light, day after night. So if you see how the world is, you'll understand it has to rain sometimes, somehow. When the rain stops, you'll see it is not so bad after all because you'll realise it is the rain that gives life together with the sun. You'll see the tadpoles in the ponds and fields. You'll see the trees are greener. The air fresher. etc. Without the rain, the sun is only going to dry us up. What i'm saying is, you have not lived if you haven't played in the rain. or kiss. ;)

P/s: i jumped for joy @ 8:44pm.

Fertile Minds

2010-01-15T15:16:00.000+08:00

The body is weak.
The mind is heavy.
The soul is lost.
The heart is weary.
But i will push on through
& finish what i set out to do.

The music of the wounded heart.
The ballet of pen upon paper.
A moving performance of words dancing line after line to captivate that little heart

Silent Screaming Blur.

2010-01-14T12:22:00.001+08:00

For the tiniest moment it's all not true. Bollocks! What's going on? How many weeks now? What day is it? I love _____ invariably. i do. This is really tough because i'm a dickhead. It seems circumstances are always harsh with me. My hands, i wish they were there to... So everybody, easy conclusion, at the top of my lungs now: Sleep 4ever satu! please. and teh amnesia sekali.

God, please shout siap!

P/s: tears won't leave him alone.

Before the sun rises

2010-01-14T05:59:00.001+08:00

It's killing me and somehow or the other i don't mind it that i'm going crazy. But hey, i should, or shouldn't i? Does she have at least a bit of care left? Because i'm hoping i won't wake up from my next sleep or if i do, i hope i have major amnesia. So i will forget everything.

BUT THEN AGAIN..

i never want to forget.
the nicest thing.
how i felt whole again.
how she made me whole.
how we became accidental best friends.

fact: 01

2010-01-13T18:27:00.002+08:00

sometimes a simple text saying " baby, i miss you." will definitely shoo all the pain away.
sometimes a simple gesture like calling up and ask how are you will definitely chase all the crankyness away.
sometimes a simple surprise like just popping out of nowhere will definitely soothe the heartsore.
sometimes the small things is enough to make me feel whole.

too bad most of the time, she just doesn't see it.

i miss the talks on the phone.
i miss the playful msges.
i miss the little suprises.
i miss the can i change my mind? smses.
i miss the bubble getaways from the world.
i miss the silence when i'm sitting beside you.
i miss the attention and affection.
i miss the eri budak action convos.
i miss the good old times.

too bad she doesn't feel it as much as i do.
does she?

Now,
I wish i was special.

credits: Ms Lauren

Bagaimana Caranya

2010-01-13T08:00:00.001+08:00

Bagaimana caranya untuk
agar kau mengerti bahwa
aku rindu

Bagaimana caranya untuk
agar kau mengerti bahwa
aku cinta

Impregnated Mind

2010-01-13T05:43:00.002+08:00

I can't help my mind tonight. Like it's been for the past 2weeks or probably more .Maybe the c.leftovers is taking its final bite at me before it finally leaves me alone. Tonight every indecisiveness & short attention span problem in me is accelerated.

I can't even complete a task such as turning the light off without getting distracted to do a lot of something else one after the other. It's like i walked around my room to do something there, something here. However, every time i reached each area, i decide to switch off the light. Then when i reach the switch, i decide i want to go do something there or here. It keeps going like more than 6times. Until i finally decide to light a cancer and just smoke in the lighted bedroom. Then i can't decide whether to smoke in the dark or light. Here we go again for a few more times of the walk back & forth rountine.

Then when i'm trying to think about something, it keeps changing channels. Thought about this then that then this again. That and that again.

Come on lah, give me a break already. It's like there are so many people living inside my body. This minute i'm this person, the next minute i'm someone else. Minutes, literally.

I've got so many minds now but at this moment, before i finally post this, the strongest voice is telling me "i'm worried about her mum. and for her too. And when i don't know what is happening, it feels much worse. i wish i could do something because it makes me feel like dying to know i am incapable of doing anything to make all the pain be forgotten."

Never lose that feeling

2010-01-11T05:09:00.000+08:00

I don't know why i'm still here fighting myself? He could always be the victor. He's a master of indifference. The one without a heart.

I'm left here trying hard to speak and fighting with my weak hand. I dived into the deep end and she became my best friend. You and me are floating on a tidal wave, together.

And eikkz once reminded me, "What happened to the 'I Don't Want To Stop Fighting For Us'?"

Beginnings of 2010

2010-01-08T06:52:00.001+08:00

2009 was a really confused year for most people i know. To name a few; eikkz, dave, Mr T., Ms Lauren, Lord Wemphir, and most probably my parents. Sorry Masha & Fasha for the one after another episode. I get the idea that it is rather confusing for the feelings you had to feel on that particular day in October. You know we didn't mean to. I hope 2010 brings in happiness for everyone or at least bright ideas for us to kill the pain.

So 2010, i should be getting back on track and not making tracks anymore. If you know what i mean. To start off, in phase 1, i would like to lay in bed, do nothing and go out just to drink water or so because my tummy's being an ass right now. It's like my tummy's on a strike or a no food policy. Everything i eat comes right back out from the two holes like within minutes. Either puking or liquid waste. Nothing can get digested now. I'm feeling super weak and tired but these eyes would not get sleepy. Arsehole tau, these things.

Phase 2, once i ~~get my pay~~ make enough moneh, i'd like to pay up some outstanding debts and also go to the doctor/hospital. Well, it's probably gonna cost quite a bomb since i've got to get 3things diagnosed. Especially that annoying illness that's been bugging me since November. Need to be rich to be sick or insane. E-yer. Oh and start fitting in religious obligations into the equation. Been away for quite a long while.

What a way to start a new year huh!?

coma

2010-01-06T11:57:00.002+08:00

Feels like i've been sleeping for days. I've finally woken up from this coma. But i'm still weak and dazed. My monster eyes all glazed. What do i make of the things that almost killed me? And all the crazy things. They were only happening up in my ruined little head. How did i lose myself? I've always screwed up but never this bad before. I've never done anything significant. But at the end of the day, the best help is to help myself.

However, I still need you. I really do. But i'm just going to be here, i'm one call away. Dial up my number, if there's anything at all. I swear i won't talk because its not about me. Tt's selfish. From here onwards, i'm all about you. I'm all ears even if its just for listening to you breathe.

Once more. With feelings

2010-01-05T05:52:00.001+08:00

The total lack of concern that drives me to the wall.
The words i say that keeps getting misunderstood.
The things you say that are never supported by actions.
A distant star i could never see but is constantly around.
Are you that star now?

Oh Well, Do you even care?

Last Flight

2009-12-24T18:02:00.002+08:00

I started out refueling the plane and flying away from the lack of concern between loving hearts. Now the plane have been refueled and i'm sitting alone in the departure hall waiting for time to board the plane for my last flight. To take me away from here to somewhere my past haunts me. I've got the ticket for one more day to stay off the ground. We were a part of Power3 Alliance. And i think of the things we could have avoided. Of the things we could have built.

Mighty Magnus, we all make a fool of ourselves. Relationships get ill and the screw ups we tattooed upon us. Some we tried to erase, to forget, because it brought with it too much painful memories of time we lost ourselves to passion, desire and anger. That it began to push us apart and i still find myself caught in the middle between two giants because we were a part of 3. Gone are the honest days of confession.

In time, the erased sins will leave scars that somehow still remind us of those shitty things that we direct our rage at. And we can't look into each others faces without feeling the hate we cultivate. I'm sorry we love each other, still, too. It would have been easier if we could only feel either hate or love, one at a time. This is duality and I still find myself sitting and hating our guts because I love you unconditionally.

P/s: it will be a flight for our lost alliance.

To Seek Bother

2009-12-18T04:40:00.003+08:00

As it seems, things are moving towards a better tomorrow now. I am not that stupid. In case you've failed to notice but i've been persistent before this. Yet a certain lack of appreciation has stepped the line and made me selfishly give in to the rotten me. It was my mistake to listen to him as well as you. However, all of that are water under the bridge now.

So thanks for coming down and the slaps combo.

Will you be the hand to save me when i'm drowning?

2009-12-15T14:10:00.002+08:00

I seem to understand things more as i realise again that if the other party never stops to take the time to listen, the person calling out will soon lose their voice and stop screaming as the pain drowns the person out. One might never give up but does one listens closely? My fragile heart was screaming in desperation for you to say you're going to help at setting things right. To make sure things will turn out okay. However, i'm drowning now. I feel like i want to disappear as i lose my voice. Disappear into the haze of sickly sweet things. I'm keeping my feet off the ground because i've never existed here on this earth.

"And all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out"

Lost

2009-12-13T05:53:00.002+08:00

Are you lost or am i losing myself? I cannot be alone, it brings out the worst in me.

Am i running out of time or am i at the starting line?
I know i've missed the mark
Yet i just need some sort of sign.

Keyword: Was

2009-12-12T02:22:00.002+08:00

Work was great.
Great seeing you.

Thinking

2009-12-12T02:02:00.001+08:00

I remember how you used to say a little more things than you do nowadays. A little more things that made my day. A little more things that put me at peace especially when i whined about losing you once i got drafted into service for my country. The littlest things like, "Stop thinking too hard. Cause if there's someone who's supposed to do the thinking, it's gonna be me and not you. You shouldn't have to because it's not your job to do that. I'm the one who should be thinking & worrying bout it..not u."

By the way, my blood buddy is in KL now. Alone. Running away from problems back here in SG. They won't solve themselves, my dear. You need to put in work but if you think it's best to have some time to yourself in another country. Then all i've got to say is take good care of yourself. I know you've got a thousand over and that probably means you'll be there for quite some time. But do ring me up once you're home.

P/s:Do you still think & worry for me, My Tempest? Because my brains thinking too much now.

The Bitterest Pill

2009-12-09T03:16:00.003+08:00

I am in love with a problem. So is it actually my fault if i'm still a prisoner of doubts & fears? Yes, My system has taken in several types of chemical before and none are like the one i'm putting in me now. This is the bitterest pill yet but i've probably faced crappier side effects. However, this pill might prove fatal and i've actually been thinking if i should kill myself. Metaphorically, i suppose. And despite the fantastic high i'm raving in. I'm also taking too big a bite here and should i go through with this, it may spell my own end but i want to go down with this like a fool. Because fools have more fun.

On a brighter note, i've got a date with tempest later. And i've not yet decided what to wear and if i'll be bringing a bag along. I don't wish to cripple the date but i want things to be right so we could be beautiful. Lastly, You've been missed by the fuckloads, stupid girl. Wished you had a clue.

If I ain't right, I'm glad

2009-11-30T16:48:00.001+08:00

I've always been right when it comes to "love" and the what-nots. So far my instincts have never lied to me. However, at this moment when things are going so wonderfully well despite the occasional playful banter, my gut feelings are telling me that something somewhere somehow will fuck up the whole blitheful escape.

Deardear, I want to be wrong. I pray to be wrong. At least for this time around. And if i'm right, then i guess, it is really up to you to prove me wrong.

Hold My Hand

2009-11-06T09:30:00.003+08:00

In the final hour before i am reintegrated with my true lycan being. I said a small prayer.

Dear Allah swt,
I've been immersing myself in negligence. Yet, You are always there for me. Unfailing in saving me from my ugly self. I may have not been aware of Your presence lately despite the fact that i know You are closer to me than my heart. I'm sorry but i have failed You once again. I ask myself what have i done for you. Time and time again i find no fast answer to that question. Long has it been since i last held my palm skywards and ask from You. Long has it also been since i last kiss the earth You bless us with at each of the 5 significant timings of the day. I'm sorry. Please forgive my self-indulgence and take me by my hand and guide me along the right path. I need You most now that there will no longer be foreign authority over my careless self.

Amin.

"i declare that there is no deity but the one true god, Allah swt"

For what it's worth?

2009-11-05T02:27:00.000+08:00

"If I could cheat,
I would skip to the end,
And decide if it's worth going through with,
Skip to the last, paragraph, just before we start,
To see the happy ending, or the broken heart,
Happy ending, or the broken heart."

skip to the end - the futureheads

Deadly Moondance

2009-11-05T01:52:00.010+08:00

O Beautiful Luna,
I suffer longingly for your unattainable love.
O How i have been pining for you,
With only glimpses that torment my view.

The chains that have kept us apart,
will soon been taken off.
Beyond solid iron bars and gates,
An unwilling captive of patience, I await.

O Beautiful Luna,
Play our tune, the real freedom song,
O How i will once again breathe you in,
For my soul has fittingly paid for it's sin.

Break these barriers that separates us,
To restore me upon my throne of nocturnal grandeur.
Paralyzing embrace of this deadly moondance,
Pull me in as i'm held in your enigmatic trance.

I am anticipating my true freedom but at the same time i am afraid i might be consumed by it like i was before my voyage of self-discovery. I am afraid i might fail myself again because without the restrictions that kept me in check, will i be able to remain the master of myself?

Don't you wanna be relevant?

2009-10-18T04:09:00.001+08:00

Kinks said: It isn't appropriate behavior for you to fear rejection. If you get the opportunity to tell someone you like her, you should. Dia suka or tak suka belakang cerita because you'll never know when the person will be gone. Just tell her how much you feel for her. You'll never know if you'll get a good response but she might be thinking or waiting for you to tell her that. You need to overcome it & build confidence. Jangan kerna satu silap, you give up. Definitely, you'll go through all the wrong characters in life. This is so because when the right one comes ambling along, you will be able to appreciate her. Sometimes i wish you will open up because you shouldn't allow your past to stop you from acquiring your happiness. At first, i thought you're mysterious but later on i've found out you're just unpredictable because you're pretty much honest with someone you're close with.

Kinks also said: You're a softie at heart even though in person you are very blunt with your words. But you only seem harsh because you don't like lying and saying things people want to hear. Hence, you choose to say things that they either need to hear or opinions that are purely yours because it makes you feel good to be honest. However, this often leave people assuming you don't like girls as you do not treat them any more special than how you treat a bloke. Or they are probably thinking you're a meanie because of your past experiences.

P/s: Being there when the last breath leaves is what i intend to do.

Pure Racine

2009-10-18T02:29:00.000+08:00

The Internet is how our city began. We didn't just keep it safe as heroes but we infect it with our HD vibes because we cool that way, yo! It's liebe hass. Not one without the other, right? So yeah, we can make it work only if we want to. It wouldn't be hard because the Internet was our initial playground.

But i have to be discreet here. Since there are others in my airspace. You'll be hearing more from me soon.

everlong,
Jimmy

Mr Lucky Charm

2009-10-14T02:17:00.001+08:00

The week has been an eventful one. Probably because i've got my lucky charm back with me though not physically just yet but the colours seem to be brighter now.

So I've caught 500 Days With Summer twice. With those people who matter. And D u should catch it too. It is gooooood~

And i went to sentosa on the weekend with eikkz+weyz & bobo+effang. I was singular &, somehow, i felt like i was their adopted son. I also won the mini biathlon competition against Mr Physical Training Instructor. I feel so(100000000x) superhuman. Will update with pichas but no promises.

And something tried to blow up my whole happy week by asking questions she could never understand but then again, i am pretty much glad she made contact because i feel a lot lighter letting her know i'm this jerk because of her. She took away my ability to trust. So yea, she did get an earful from me. Hah.

Ouh, lastly diego did look for her dewa to share the things we used to share.

P/s: Dewa is a happy boy in eunos.

Snow Brigade

2009-10-10T03:02:00.004+08:00

.. played like 3 times while my player was on random. So jyeah! Here's acknowledgement, Mew. And just to sidetrack, i didn't know why would anyone use the random mode until i met sidekick. She taught me things. Miniscule things and also those that aren't. Cher cher, i miss your lessons. hah.

enable to bring out the something
you want to know beneath the snow
in winter you're an affiction
that repeatedly defeated me because
i'll find you somewhere
show you how much i care
know that there is no escape
from my snow brigade
bring out the someone
you want to see for jealousy
we all know one day you'll leave behind
your everything
and feel the spring come
i'll find you somewhere
show you how much i care
know that there is no escape
from my snow brigade
my arms retreat
i wish they were there to hold you
i'll find you somewhere
show you how much i care
know that there is no escape
from my snow brigade

Likes this moment of the day:
aku kasar-kasar panggil dia, "Oi!"
dia jawab, "yea syg?"
with add-on giggles from her, somemore.

All My Little Plans & Schemes

2009-10-09T02:36:00.004+08:00

One moment you're this, the next moment you're that. Another moment we click & connect then another moment we friction everything. I simply love being this way.

On a random note, I am always slightly turned on when a girl listens to my kind of music. Uber-turned on, to the extend of being tingly-tingly all over my body when she likes the the songs i listen to. And apparently, my brain is too slow for me. That's what someone claimed. (there you go i wrote something about you. happy? oh, you would like me to turn you into literature? some other time perhaps?)

My heart kept thumping.
So I couldn't fall asleep at night.

Disclaimer: The purple paragraph is a re-posting from surrasurra's blog. It says what i feel, therefore, I'm spreading the love. Because such bittersweet things deserves a mention on my blog. Err, by the way, sorry if i made a few adjustments to it. =)

Lasting Impressions

2009-10-08T23:47:00.002+08:00

I was up to a slow start today. However, it turned out to be undoubtedly awesome but dang! There ain't any pictures to capture the moment. So yea, with all hopes flying high, please capture it in your heart because that's where the special things are.

"It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life."

Time of your life - Green Day

And i asked myself in all fullness, "What would Eikkz do?". Like a gazillion time beneath the city lights tonight.

Soundtrack You Baby

2009-10-08T02:42:00.000+08:00

I was taken out of the present, psychologically, and brought into the future during one of my train rides. It was rather surreal to see myself from a 1st-person view while my body wasn't responding, especially when green eyes was playing on my beat. Then there was you standing in front of me and the song played on. And i just looked at you because i wanted to drink in that moment.

Honey you are a rock upon which I stand and I come here to talk. I hope you understand. The green eyes, yeah, the spotlight shines upon you and how could anybody deny you.

Mee Party

2009-10-07T22:30:00.000+08:00

This is not food, it is a remake of Faris's party at the spit poet's den.

Stuck In Reverse

2009-10-07T04:00:00.000+08:00

It might be to prove that i can make exceptions on certain occasions and it also might just be another excuse to prolong my time with you? Is there a need for the cause to be stated to justify the act? After all, actions speak louder than words, don't they?

On another note, C Martin wrote the song 'Fix You' for his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow because she was facing a hard time at a certain moment in her life due to losing something she can't replace. To sum the whole song up this is what I've got to say:

"It is for those moments when you feel like giving up. But at the same time, you dearly hope for someone or something to save you from giving up totally."

P/s::Is this what our heart seek?

A Room And A Bit More Time, Please

2009-10-06T23:53:00.001+08:00

I'm only like 20% done with the portrait and it's already been ages since she asked me to help out. huahua. I really need my own space and a certain mystical stretch of my evenings so i'll have more night than day itself for the only time i'll hold my pencil is in the evening, also taking into consideration that i'll stop by midnight. I really need to go home earlier or m.i.a. Or something along those lines because it's really hard to stay awake and focus on the finer details after 12am.

And look! I'm already wasting time just posting this. I could have spend the time drawing. -__-"

My Starving Mind

2009-10-06T22:17:00.001+08:00

With you around, i needed no girlfriend or a bright girl's company. Even when i had the flavours of the months, they soon bored me. Their lack of or the total absence of a great mind proved to be their own undoing in the presence of a bbr&r poet. Not one can even satisfy my need for an abstract/intellectual company. At least when you were around, they are a bit fun because i've got a ~~partner in crime~~ sidekick to combat their kental-ness with. And it's killing me that they're in season now and you're not around anymore.

P/s: I hope you have found your heaven with Him.

I Want My Life Back

2009-10-04T00:16:00.003+08:00

I've got seven faces and i don't know which one to wear. If only it made more sense why because it is suddenly starting to abrade my then-blissful ignorance especially pertaining to my lycan situation. If i could clean off this thick make-up and let them see the monster underneath. The monster i once was still am. I swear could just break someone's fingers using my steeltoes. or break someone's leg on the curb. Anything to calm the beast. Please.
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
Things I Think I Miss:
1- talking with one of the intellectuals like old times.
2- raya in full strength with the juvenile antics.
3- pixie's secretarial level of care & concern.
4- that ♥ you left for me to fill up my hands with. it used to suffice

5- FIQ FIQ FIQ! My Mighty Magnus! My Other Half!
6- and the times we ruled the world.

Second-Hand Experience

2009-10-03T15:01:00.001+08:00

If you don't text, they assume you're not interested. Or even worse, they accuse you for not being there for them. When you do text but not too often, they say you've got someone else in mind and they're only second choice. Or even worse, they say you treat them like some kind of toy you play with only when you're bored. But when you text them daily or show care & concern towards their general well-being, they say you're obsessive or an arduous character to content with. Or even worse, they label you as a desperate & irksome little boy.

These are the kind of experiences that make me think too much on whether i should pursue my interests. Be it my personal experiences or anyone else's. The very same thing that makes choosing being singular over "blissfully" attached much more appealing.

On a side note, eikkz's words are most probably going to ring true regarding the rendezvous time.

Fuzzytronic Tummyache

2009-10-02T19:41:00.001+08:00

Thanks be to my love, God. I didn't forget to extend my membership. Just merely forgot to remember i already did. Expiry's 20th February 2010 now. And i must not waste any more time here. I need to be @ the platform by 2000hrs.

But the myth states if he's not late, he's not eri-san.

P/s: Will i move the pieces?

Procrastinating Artist

2009-10-01T00:12:00.000+08:00

I've just freshen up and i'm going to finally start working on the fine potrait for goldieloks. I have been pushing it to tomorrows after tomorrows. Now, i really need to start doing it for the guestbook has already been decided upon and design works have already began on her side. The marriage event is only like 2 weeks away and their side has already rushed the preparations. Yet i am still not holding my pencil. I shall double my pace.

However, interruptions are ever present.

And how i will come to bury my love around you.

Waiting On Anti-food

2009-09-28T01:20:00.000+08:00

So i'm kinda waiting for a text message but the bugger had probably forgotten. Either that or the bugger is actually still up and about and have not yet consume the medicines like supposed to. 'Takot obat' or so was the claim but what i think is it's just some kind of laziness. For someone who's lazy to eat, i would know best. Guess, i've a new point to pester the person with. Heh.

Them Grrls

2009-09-27T23:24:00.000+08:00

..are pretty beings that don't know what they really want. 1st they say, they want ghetto love. The next minute they say "no no no, i'm neeeeew perrrrrrson." and with that, we know, comes new desires for another kind of love. Then there are times they say they just need someone with them and when you step up to the plate, they decide they don't really need you. Or have you ever gotten her to agree on meeting you and moments later they turn you down because they want to be on the "right" side. Yes, they can be indecisive and that's nothing new.

So guys, what's the point of trying if in the end it doesn't really matter?

I Wrestled A Bear Once

2009-09-25T00:21:00.002+08:00

It started out at the VMA. I was invited to perform as a support artiste for the hot new band that night and then this black bear came up on stage and took away my mic while i was preparing for my piece. So the bear shouted down the mic about how The Three Lil' Pigs should have gotten my spot and be the support band.

At the Lil' Piggies mention, I just didn't knew what has gotten into me but i just turned savage and bit the muthaF****r's head off. Then i put back the mic on the mic stand and put on the effing fuck's shutters and continued with my piece like nothing's just happened. All cool as ice and stuffs, you know what i'm saying?

That's pretty bang bang rock & roll if you'd asked me. heh.

Agendum

2009-09-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

Initially, when the blokes of the Shinigums met today there were matters that needed us to act upon. Be it as a collective or otherwise but miscommunication, Hiro cakes, ToraTora, arcade, impromptu rendezvous with T & Surra, green female boating shoes and a whole lot of other shoes seemed to have delayed our timing or perhaps completely distracting us from our primary motive. And the bump in the plan seriously didn't help either. So was it Procrastination or Plain distraction?

A-Fitri Appy-Polly-Loggies

2009-09-22T02:18:00.001+08:00

To my dear readers,

before you annoy me with yet another redundant raya greeting. I would like to say you guys, really, do not need to wish it to me verbally or in any other form technologically possible. Due to the fact that for all those who, honestly, think they have somehow made any wrong towards me have already been forgiven of their supposed mistake by default because i've set my forgive & forget function on automatic for this year's raya and also for the years to come.

So i would appreciate it if you guys let me glide through this blessed month with the least kind of reminder to any festive reproductions/cliches because raya doesn't really fit my groove.

Conclusion: I don't do Raya!

Witness My Greatness

2009-09-20T21:44:00.004+08:00

If your aim is to be part of my inner circle, you need to back that sincerity with some form of willingness to embrace my abstract thoughts and the other members of my inner circle. Plus, you will also need a lot of iron-willed determination and most importantly a celestial level of tolerance towards my raw energy to achieve your goal.

Because i'm all about thuglovin'. I came, I saw, I conquered. Jyeah!

Hates Raya

2009-09-20T01:23:00.001+08:00

You know i do because it sucks big time.

Paint In The Ass : Day 8

2009-09-19T00:28:00.001+08:00

My foot, by Thursday! Hah.

I'd hope so badly to complete it by then but the former paint's persistence proved superior. As much as it was the final wall, it was also like the last boss u can find in any game. It was the wall that showed most attitude by flaking off in big chunks. The final wall isn't really done yet but it will have to do for now because i need to start cleaning up the mess i made in the living room. Raya is just waiting to pounce so all disorder needs to stay out of sight.

I guess, I will just have to face the last boss in the sequel of the "game".

Paint In The Ass : Day 7

2009-09-16T01:45:00.001+08:00

I've finished painting the first bavarian wall. Finally, i'm left with the final wall of my room. At first, i thought it would never go well because the old paint keeps peeling off under the new paint so it was like flaking here & there. Soon i overcame it and looking at it now makes it seem like i've came a long way. Hopefully, i can get it done by Thursday

Restorations : Chapter 1

2009-09-15T02:22:00.001+08:00

On a few involvement fronts, some light form of restorations have been slowly taking place but it's too soon for me to foresee any positive outcome or the otherwise.

From the HD front, the restoration was indirectly iniated by/after the application of three simple letters.(as if by coincidence in accordance to the other party) Perhaps this is one of those rare moments where one can say he expressed something in good time. And i'm glad i did.

On the other front, the occurrences is a tad surreal for me. Maybe because all this while i've been waiting for it. For him to speak up or at the very least show some sincere effort. For now, things are probably looking up but he's still got to earn the respect because deep wounds leave indelible scars.

To be trying isn't really that hard now, is it?

"Thick and thin,

The bad outweighs the good sometimes,

That doesn't mean we're 'spose to give it up,

My problems are yours,and yours are mine."

Make It Work : Ne-Yo

Paint In The Ass : Day 6

2009-09-14T02:40:00.002+08:00

..and i've only begin to paint the base coat for the bavarian brown. Me and my thrilling glacial movements. Hah.

Anyway, i went down to COMEX before work yesterday and gotten myself the printer i need. It's only 69bucks & i think, so far, it's the smallest printer i can get down there because everything else is rather big and tacky/fugly. Well, that's one thing off my list. yeay-ness! =)

The Meeting Place

2009-09-11T20:25:00.001+08:00

I don't really know what to feel besides being relieved she still reads my blog. Well, I'm relieved because this is where we meet. My mind's been waiting for you here but i've never felt your presence due to your silence. Guess, you are just being the silent observer. Maybe...

Honestly, life's not the same without you here.

Anyway, i had to down 3donuts from Dunkin and a teacake for my break-fast dinner yesterday because someone wanted dunkins so bad when we were only supposed to go to Borders and then home with no pit stops.

Plus, I've got quite a few things on my hands right now. Raya shopping which actually isn't for raya because nothing festive is in the wishlist. Then i've yet to start on the fine potrait. Then i've got time wasters who/which keeps me distracted from my already packed plans. Ouh and comex is on but i haven't yet went down for my printer.

Let us just note this as reference;
Repainting of my room - 4days and counting.

A Certain Adeline

2009-09-06T02:13:00.004+08:00

Love, how i miss you so. How you used to make everything better than okay. Call me up once again, please. Tell me I'm not made for my current job. Tell me I am destined for greater things just because you like my diction. For a brief moment we shared a dual-cognitive system. How a stranger can make your day is sort of magical.

I miss you more, now that i get juvenile clients as often as i drink milk. There was this particular Shahul who really pissed me off with his ridiculous wants & reason, babe. And i'm the rude one when he's hurling abuses at me. A sad waste of space in Singapore, don't you think?

So tell me when you're calling again, Ms Adeline.

All Upset

2009-09-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

I'm really not feeling it that my buddy wants to be a constable. Making an excuse that it is "noble" while providing a stable future is not good enough. I'd rather be buddies with a guy with no stable income while he is studying for a diploma/degree than a policeman.
Yes, i have a certain dislike towards the authorities. Especially, the miscreants in blue. No, not the ones that fight fire but the ones that's there for the public service. To uphold the law when they aren't so straight themselves. Absurd, i reckon!
Couldn't he try the army or civil defence if he really is desperate to secure a stable income. The Police Force really doesn't sit well with me. I've been having irritable bowel syndrome since last week upon hearing him making the request to sign on. Look, my tummy is already getting upset.

Bloody Cozzers.

The Outsider

2009-08-24T18:59:00.002+08:00

I don't really know why but it feels like i have lost you. Babe, I've missed you all this while and it's not helping that i can totally relate to the song "Where'd you go? by Fort Minor" when it came on the radio this afternoon. At a moment when i was actually thinking of you. I had to ask myself why i decided to switch on the radio in the first place. Is it pure coincidence that i was bored? Or...were my thoughts fated to be mocked by the media?

And i miss those times when i can just dial you up, or even text you my experiences at any particular time. Be it day or night. I felt alive at those moments because someone was always there to listen as proof of my existence. The thing is i have never been really acknowledged even when i was in school or work. My name was never printed on the class list and my payslip never reaches the right place where i was working at. And i never had a birthday where i was cherished with gifts like anyone else because i've never had a proper celebration and you know that, don't you? All i had was your voice helping me to not feel so alone. To at least feel that i'm not actually a ghost but, i guess, you are no longer reading the things i write. I'm just changing into some background noise.

As i see it now, the pact we made has ceased to exist or failed to put its ideals to practice as much as i have failed to put my thoughts to action. I slowly become that outsider, the one we always used to criticize for his lack of manliness. Those guys who will bow down to please you, the ones with the senseless sweet messages. The kind that used to give you goosebumps. It is as though i walk amongst them now.

Weapon Of Mass Consumption

2009-08-24T16:39:00.002+08:00

Talking, money-wise, that's what i have turned out to become. For real, I've just gotten my pay on the 21st and by the 22nd, I am left with just 29bucks in my wallet. How wasteful can i get? But in my defense, i'd like to say cash is only usable on earth so why not use it now? Who knows if i'm not going to see tomorrow, right?

Cempedak Fritters

2009-08-22T19:32:00.004+08:00

I have got to say they are damn good. Especially when they are still hot.

Anyway, blogger's being a brat these days. I don't really know why but maybe i've not been treating her right. People, I seriously want to write more often than this but there is always something wrong with the posting page. You know how i love to write.

And when i say i love, i meant i LOVE.

So I'll just update you a bit about everything that's been going on around me.
1) I've just got my pay yesterday and i'm already popped now.
2) I made this super tear on my jeans while skating. AND i wasn't even pulling off any trick.
3) Seriously, it wasn't intentional.
4) I need to participate more because i think & read into things too much. hmm.

woots!

2009-08-11T03:23:00.005+08:00

It is certainly not that i'm bored this very instant but i just want to be really honest with you. I am starting to really dig my phone. Big time! It is like after i've installed the new operating system, my phone is suddenly able to accomplish crazy feats. And having a cute name like Cupcake for an OS can sure mislead the common folks. Especially regarding the power of the phone.

You know about all that hype going on about iPhone? Seriously, iPhone might be an unquestionably splendid innovation where at the mere mention of it might make any techie sit up straight. For sure, owning an iPhone might be the new shizz but there is a few downside to owning an iPhone. Say the compromise on the camera's megapixels? Anyway, in case you inferred wrongly, i am no proud owner of an iPhone. And what i have got to say about my phone is:

My phone kicks more ass!

And here's the best part yet, i'm blogging this on my Dream. Now, tell me how terrific is this Dream? This can't just be another unrealised hype, can it?

Floatng lik a feathr

New Old-Components

2009-08-10T17:34:00.000+08:00

Taking a trip on new happenings in life. At least the occurences feel kinda new even though the components are from my previous life. In case you don't know, i'm a cool cat so i got more than 9lives and i spent 2 of it already.

And if we are all reincarnations of someone else from a previous life, would we ever know if the person we meet now is a previous loved one? A mom, a dad, a daugther, a son, a wife or husband? Let me know if anyone is..

Note-to-self: Never let anyone break my fitness training momentum ever again. Not even for a buddy. Or the whole week will go down the drain. hah.

54 strangers

2009-08-09T13:42:00.002+08:00

and that is how many strangers i have been talking to starting from 1730hrs to 2305hrs, yesterday. This is definitely much more than the number of people i have had to handle on a normal weekday but yesterday wasn't a weekday and it wasn't just any weekend. It was a day prior to the national day.

Technically, it was an eve of a public holiday which means the normal individual will feel a sudden need to call us. I don't understand this part of the human liability. Why do they feel this certain urge to consume more than necessary on the eve of public holidays?

I actually had to tell someone off for screaming and shouting into my right ear. Eff that stupid phrase about the customer being right 24/7. We got civil rights too, y'know. Pfft.

And i will leave home wondering how much more of these unreasonably demanding strangers i will have to endure today. *sigh*

Vol.ta Wallet

2009-08-08T00:55:00.007+08:00

This is the so far the best buy of my previous casual shopping. Here's a few pichas of it.
This is the close up view of the brand's logo on the button-like thingy at the front.
Get a close-up view of the logo again. And... also the texture of the wallet. I just love these small subtle details in things. They don't scream, "LOOK AT ME!" instead they say a passing remark. Something along the lines of, "I'm cool like this yo." You feel me, readers?
Here's the brand name along with the logo engraved inside the wallet on the coin pouch area. Subtle ain't it?

Casual shopping

2009-08-07T00:33:00.000+08:00

1] Energie rectangular turquoise buckle belt
2] ~~Vol.ta wallet~~
3] Fred Perry key chain
4] Fred Perry wallet
5] Vol.ta double-breasted jacket
6] ~~Scenic Belt~~
7] Skinny red belt
8] Shoes For Mum
9] Puma sports shoe
10] Vans chuka low-cut
11] Digital watch for jogs
12] ~~Praise 'paris' tee~~(+1 more)
13] ~~Zara Parfum~~
14] Fred Perry Shoes.
15] ~~Pull&Bear Tee~~
16] Zara Purple Skinny Belt

So these are the few things that is on my purchase list and the list keeps growing no matter how much of it i finally purchased. I managed to get just 5 of the stuffs for now. So out of my latest spot of shopping, my favourite buy would be the Vol.ta wallet because it has this certain character about it.

Strange Sense

2009-08-02T02:46:00.004+08:00

Anyway, i was supposed to go down to Vol.ta and exchange the wallet i purchased last Thursday before i go off to work but Eikkz was being "manja". He kept telling me that it's only natural that sometimes the zippers doesn't zip smoothly in one pull.

He even gave me this reference to schoolboys. Eikkz was saying about how in school there will always be a few different cliques. Like who gets along with who and which clique doesn't fit together with which cliques. Yes, he was actually comparing why along certain lengths of the zipper the zip will get stuck to the coteries in a school. Weird huh?

Conclusion:
I asked him if he has BEEN saying it's normal for zippers to do that just because of the fact that he doesn't want me to move off early. And then he gave me this sheepish smile... That's my bridren!

Am I Still Pretty?

2009-07-31T02:09:00.001+08:00

if not from the front or side, at least from the back aye. That's because my Buddy Eikkz said i look like a pretty sagu from behind while he was cutting my hair. And no, he doesn't actually knows how to give haircuts but i just felt i have enough confidence in my buddy to give him my set of scissors and shaver,

And say, "Kel, guntingkan rambot aku."
He was like, "Aku taknak uh. Nanti petak je!"
I went, "Alar, aku tunjuk kau macamaner to cut. Aku guide kau."
Then Charlie got home so Eikkz said, "Suruh Charlie uh!"

So yeah, i did asked Charlie at first but he just had to be intimidated or scared because if something goes wrong i, being the elder brother, have the privilege to melenting. Charlie was uber-slow luh. Shave my sides pon macam tak kena rambot je. Then Eikkz seeing the whole situation had to take charge and even though i had to guide him, it was not bad for a first time. And i'm glad he took control because i love the outcome. Kinda what i always thought of doing to my hair. ^_^

Aku Is Jakartian

2009-07-30T12:25:00.002+08:00

I don't really mind sitting in a room of minamis. It is not them that i despise, it is their pig-headed mindframe that i detest. Must they be so uncool that a simple smile might tarnish their reputation. Freaking annoying, mate! Are we human or are we daimyos?

And this little trouble blogger is giving me. It kinda gets on my little nerves that most time i try to post, the page is just in disarray. Its keeping my creative juices from flowing.

On a more happier note, i get some kind of strange thrill from making my colleagues clueless about me. They must be thinking i'm a hippie or something. I have yet to put on my red jeans. hurhurs.

Rottn As Evr

Exploited Workaholic

2009-07-24T01:50:00.001+08:00

So I've been working for about a month plus now and I honestly do feel that I am underpaid. Like what can you expect from a company that have always exploit less than fortunate people. Just because no one else is going to employ them does not make it okay for the company to pay them $3/hr. Especially when you guys exist internationally and raking in money as if it is dried leaves on an autumn's day.

Anyway, just for the record, I do not earn that little and I am no handicap. I was just trying to get it across that I am underpaid for the services I provide. I know I am just another voice on the other side of the line trying to facilitate a service that the company provides but at least give me some credit for standing in the line of fire. You see, the people i talk to always want things to fit them so snugly that they lose all sense of what the 80's tried so hard to teach them. Courtesy is for you & me. Oh how the heart of Singa, the courtesy lion, would break to find out what he was living for has all gone drain-wards.

Yet, I have got to swallow it now or at least for 3months because i need the job to end the lycan hour situation. Desperately. So this Lycan has got to stay docile at work, for the moment.

Was I Really Game For Giving It Up?

2009-04-29T02:32:00.004+08:00

I've actually failed a lot of times. It seems failure is my only reward. Losing my mind for the sake of my heart. Losing You is a form of Deja Vu.

But what can a hero do when he gave up his superpowers? Yet can i help it if i miss you?

Where All The Awareness Begin

2009-04-29T01:35:00.005+08:00

Ever since last week, I have been forgoing my jogs for some new joy that I have found on the internet. I have been sitting days and nights playing online games. Namely, Restaurant City and Vampire Wars. It's rather addictive for someone who has much time in his hands. hurhurs.

I also used some of my time to talk some sense into people who have allowed forbidden strangers into bed. Certain people should wake their bloody ideas up. Have not they realise to open up their eyes and see the real things that are currently happening right under their noses? I not trying to be harsh but I don't want to see people waste their bright futures for some fake notion of love. The saying goes, "Those who matter won't mind, those who mind won't matter". If only I can be more subtle and diplomatic at bringing forth certain issues. At least so much as to not let these people feel that I am a meanie(because all they think I'm doing is shove them down).

Let's hope I can wisely decide to wake up in the morning and go for my jog. Just enough to put some fresh air beneath my cranium. I deserve a jog for all the fuss, don't I?

Trouble Is A Friend

2009-03-26T21:40:00.008+08:00

This is probably going to be the most cliché entry ever on my blog, so don't tell me i didn't warn you. Okay? So here goes.

At this moment, my mind seems to choose the option of backing out on me. First, there's the failure of being decisive pertaining to the choice for the action to take regarding my peculiar state of education/national service. You see, right now the people who handles the deferment section are some random aunties(that I personally think are not that passionate towards their job). Not the uniformed officers of yesteryear(the ones that i personally believe will get you the best deals they've got to offer). Not just pushing back my slip of school certification letter without even reading it. Dude, that's evidently the most excellent customer service you can get down here in Merlion State.

Like seriously, "Aunties, please go sell coffee beans at the marketplace. Because this is not your effing area of expertise."

A bunch of aunties handling deferment matters. The compulsory service is for guys, right? So why let someone who doesn't know handle it? Hence, the downfall of our beloved motherland will be from the inside itself. Or so I believe.

Secondly, I've lost a buddy. A person I, genuinely, thought was a friend. Let's just call him T. And mind you, I have only a very small number of friends as compared to my acquaintances.(which is also very little.)

But I've still got to pick myself up from the crash and relish the fact that if the major(100x)fuck-up didn't happened. I would never have woken up from the fake friendship T has been feeding me on. All those backbitchin' and debilitating attitude he has been giving me. I would have just swallowed all that, as always, if he didn't screw-up because it's the kinda mistake you could never afford to make in a friendship.

So we were trying to be diplomats and talk it out. And T was laughing like the problem was a deliberate joke. So it came down to this:

breepbreep : " T, It has finally dawned on me that the 8years bond we shared. The joy and tears are nothing but a big fat joke to you. Thanks eh, you're so very good at deceiving me."
T. : " haha, you're welcome. My forte."
(ouch!)

I had to draw the line for the friendship is no longer beneficial to me in anyway. In fact, T. or it was leeching the life out of me. So this is best for me (or us if he'd still like the idea of me not being able to live without him. Dude, there's no turning back.)

The third and probably last thing will be posted on a different new post as this post has been a very lengthy one. So cheerios~

My Veins Are All Tangled Close

2009-03-23T21:41:00.007+08:00

So I guess it would be right if I say that it is about time I start loosening up those muscles and veins once more. Yeah, I should have start going for the jogs that I have been procrastinating for 3weeks now all because I was spending a lot of time with Eikkz and my new found friend Dave. Having come-over sessions on weekends is just girly
BUT
I ♥ it anyway.

Nothing like an Eikkz or Dave to take the sour feeling away.

Tonight I am logging Zs early because tomorrow, my dear readers, I am going to wake up at 0500hrs and begin my morning routine. A short jog around the neighbourhood on the provided jogging track(compliments of the Aljunied GRC). Then a little trip to the workshop and probably a hearty breakfast with Ara.

Anyway, the morning jogs will most certainly help with the mess that's been piling up. Thanks eh, Power3 deserter.

To The People Who Care

2009-03-21T21:57:00.006+08:00

It has, certainly, been a very long wait.
A hiatus I will never forget.
I've missed you.
And the things you did to me.

But tonight,
I've got my heart ripped out
Yet I don't really need this fight.

When I come home to the mess
that has been piling up by my door?
I'm sure I've got more to say,
but I can't do it here all in a day.

But yesterday,
I've got all my problems stuffed aside
Yet it was only me that was locked away.

Well, how do I come to terms with you?
When all our stupid fights
only happen up in my head.
How do I live through these empty nights?
When I've got things to say.
To You.

GOODBYE LOVES.

2007-07-05T12:50:00.001+08:00

Our Hug

2007-07-05T06:07:00.000+08:00

It told me things, you couldn't say. It was sincere and honest. It came as a surprise 'cause i didn't want to, it'll only make things worse but i was wrong. It made me better knowing your heart screams to me to never let go. It reassured me. It was air-tight. It was beautiful.

Wawawawawawa

2007-07-05T06:04:00.000+08:00

The voice keeps telling me

"Emotional baggage is unavoidable, but make an effort to carry as little as possible. In other words, don't bring a matched set -- only a carry-on. After all, on this flight you need to be able to fly as high as possible."

White Noise

2007-07-01T16:16:00.000+08:00

...sad it is but i have to force the healing factor to double up.(no no, make it x10)
Reason: Time is not on my side. Circumstances have been cruel.

Tempest in a teapot? hahs. I guess i'll have to make it in a teacup 'cause time slips by like sand through my fingers. I must gain more perspective and insights before time pauses. I need to clear the frequency from all the white noise. So i can make sure things are less worthy of brewing than i initially thought.
Yes, i was expecting a beautiful crop of lollepops in tampines and got barley instead. Whatever it is, i can still use it as grist. When God gives me lemon, i make Lemon Barley drinks.(joji style..hahs) All i've left with to do is breathe through it 'cause the only way to deal with a strong emotion is to feel it. That's the best i can do, for now.

P/S: Things will turn out absolutely fine.

Our Secret Vents

2007-06-25T05:21:00.000+08:00

Perphaps you have a giant 2
curving in your chest.
Perphaps you have more than just 'I like you'
that I wish to bite and conquer
as soon as i get over my mess.

Shockingly, my lungs burst
inside this small chest of mine
on every messages you sent me in this universe
and every day i do not see you anymore.

You are disassembled in thoughts and heart,
uncertain of the left or right ventricle.
If things are just too hard,
why won't you grab the softer part
of me.

A part pulsing for something true.
A heart pulsing for you.

And i don't play to lose,
i make promises like i love you
born of the very first spark.
With that i'm ready to light up your face,
and tuck all my past beneath my skin.
You followed behind in it's place
and geared your journey to my brain cells.
I should've try to stop you
but i did not.

You insist on loving me
with every word you speak.
I insist you are like me
in every sense of unique.

Yet we unveil the new secret powers we both have.
Who's the best hero to bleed it all out?
Admit you need me and say it out loud,
and i'll admit i'm guilty of sleepless nights
with tears on my pillow.
The heart will gust and rupture
if you ever leave my airspace.

Shell Shock

2007-06-23T14:05:00.000+08:00

Finally, my unfinished business is nearly complete. The outcome has been the opposite of what i expected. I wanted to detach(in other words, to end the collaboration) but there are enough reason for me to linger. My HD mind has awaken but still in its torpor daze.

I've yet to clean up all the other messes. Once i've made peace with the past, i will be able to progress towards the future.

The Twist:
The future i want, comes along with a few extra baggages. An impending incarceration and her dilemma or whatever i thought to be PMS. These extra baggages are more part of the mess i've yet to straighten out. Wish Me Luck!

What My Heart Is For

2007-06-22T20:36:00.000+08:00

She puts the weights into my little heart.
She found a lonely sound.
She keeps on waiting for time out there.
Oh love, can you love me babe?
Love, is this loving babe?
Is time turning around?

I had seven faces,
thought I knew which one to wear.
But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
training myself not to care.

All our history's like fire from a busted gun,
I know I've spent some time lying
and baby, my hearts been breaking.
If you can fix me up we'll go a long way.

If I get there early will it be the right time?
Our heaven is just waiting so put your hand into mine.
If I get too surly will you take that in stride ,
our boat is just there waiting so put your little hand in mine.

P/s: all i want is to be the very best for you
all i want is to do the very best for you

Drop Gear

2007-06-17T04:39:00.000+08:00

"honey bee, we should be through with this,
your packaged eyes, your vicious lips
You could be young, but you're out of touch
If this loves been done, then what's your rush?"

I've been moving too fast, i'm going to slow down now. I need a little change with my pace. I want to bask in the moment. Whatever the moment is.

Screwed up?

2007-06-14T11:34:00.001+08:00

...I know how you feel. I really do.

And i'm betting my balls that what i'm feeling is much more distressing. Visualize yourself having $4000plus and you probably need at least $3000 more by the 15th of this month(which is this coming friday, mind you.). And i seriously mean every alphabet of the word need 'cause your life depends on it. You wouldn't want to surrender to a bland existence, would you? All because of the fucking market english a bloody cunt has, not to mention his messy comprehension of the incident and i don't even want to start about his iq.(thanks eh "friend"!)

P/s: rolling with the punches.

♥ = be a hero, kill your ego [part 2]

2007-06-05T00:24:00.000+08:00

"when i pull away,
grab me by the waist
and tell me
you'll never let me go"

even if i wanted to disappear, hold on to me please like you can't live without me. Twist my hand, chain my legs, hold me tight, do what you gotta do and show me you need me as much as i secretly need you.

P/s: I need a sense of security too.

Beer Haze Chemistry.

2007-05-26T01:29:00.000+08:00

I present you,
my drunken chemical equation discovery:

"1 + 1 = 1"
E₃D₂₊Fd → 2D₃Fd_{4 +}E₆

I'm not any good at chemistry during my secondary school years since the teacher has poor language mastery. Meaning i didn't understand 3/4 of what the teacher is explaining. Her english is too local. But armed with the rudiments of chemistry that mostly i've learnt independently through books and the web. I dare say it's not possible to balance the equation above.
Thus my life can be said to depend on chemical reactions aided by a wondrous form of catalyst.

Life is unbalanced w/o u.

Keywords: Together

2007-05-25T02:46:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i ponder upon why do we make memories. Why we find the people that can understand us better than ourselves? and why those people never stay closer than close when it all falls apart? It's been really great to know somebody who loves a movie you love.

Not just any other movie but a rare French film. Sharing its understanding on an intimate level. Being able to relate to the particular movie very well. Together.

Then there were times we had such great conversations and some other time great silence. Together. Like our very first bus ride, together, to get my hair done at Roxy's. We didn't really talk much on the bus but she was sitting so close next to me that i recognized something, i had not felt in a long time. Good female company. Being able to be in the presence of someone and be contented without the basic need for words. It's a rare thing.

Not forgetting the happy moments and the moments we would want to forget. Moments like sitting on a stone bench sharing milkshake while people-watching or thrash talking, sharing a cup of hot coco or simply having Hershey's kissable. Together. Talking about life while at her breakwater thinking spot or while having our paddlepop walk. Watching movies and a concert. Together.

We enjoyed life but more than that we enjoyed each other's company. I feel i can talk to her about almost everything and anything without having her go "huh?". She's generously blessed with intelligence and silliness, no wonder she can understand my coded rantings. You see, it's not easy at all to find a person who's capable of engaging your bbr&r thoughts and also be able to do the silliest things. Together. Things like my silly dances, her pafumu weiwei, our own invented words and our sudden outbursts of awedness at things we personally find awing, behaving like two innocent toddler who've just found a new stuff to meddle with. In her words, that's being dumdum. But i don't mind 'cause in some sense, i can say it's fulfilling to have her around me for a chat. She's the most intellectual and the best dumdum. She's a gem. Who would have guessed it?

Who would have guessed it that i could find someone i can connect with?
And have the moments Together as memories of time well spent?
Couldn't it last a little longer, could it?

P/s: When u got off the stage, u took a piece of my heart with you.

To The Power Of THree

2007-05-21T16:56:00.000+08:00

While i was reading Ms. Lang blog earlier. It helped understand what Eikkz was talking about. The dull moments he is experiencing now but he failed to mention that right now everything is within our control. It is somehow because we have taken out the elements we do not need. We closed the gaps among us. So that everything that will or has to happen will only happen within our circle. Closing the gaps allowed us, namely Peq, Eikkz and me, to isolate ourselves from unwanted things. But it does come with a big disadvantage.

If we remembered what happened to Japan during 1853, they were unable to retain its isolation policy without risking war with the States. At that time, Japan could not defend itself against The United States' technology and weaponry so Japan had to agree with the treaty of opening up it's port to the outside world. That's a little bit of history lesson for you people.

So i must find a way to counter that disadvantage and make this dull moment bright. It's like marriage in some sense. You get tied down and you grow tired of the routine notwithstanding that you love the person very much. The cure is you need to try new things together.

p/s: I think, therefore, I exist.

VENI VIDI VICI

2007-05-17T19:15:00.000+08:00

I get a sense of exaltation when anyone engages me in guerrilla warfare. Right now, there is a couple of people playing this game with me and there will be casualties. Play with fire, you will get burnt. I will not waste the stratagems that are provided to me. The mind will be our battlefield. (Right, topeq? and darn aren't i psyched for it.) The Tyrant enjoys a little adrenaline.

This time round the rules will have to change as the Crowned Head change/switch. Different lands, different strategies. The surroundings are different now. The climate, the terrain, the means. But it will always be foreign soil no matter how different it is.

P/s: A cool cat is still a cat.

Silent Drinkers

2007-04-25T06:13:00.000+08:00

Spent a couple of days away from home. I just wanted to be around wonderful people, maybe get a breath of air and numerous night drinking whatever alcoholic beverage i could afford/find. Just to stay in my constant beer haze so i could blabber the shittiest thing and yet sound like a genius.(whatever loser) So before the high wears off, i must post this.

You've got your fucking mind in a bloody mess when you're out with someone but you keep on thinking about somebody else. How do you escape something that's within you? How do you run away from yourself? The vines that keep wrapping itself around your tired legs. You keep on tripping, you keep on kissing the dirt. Anyone would be sick of that. Wouldn't you?
Fuck forever and hopes cause we won't ever get there. I've been almost there so many times and i just don't know what i'm doing wrong.
To make it much more screwed, i did believed that this time the specials would last. Growing up, making mistakes and becoming actual productive humans together until old age or death got to us.(no pun intended) This is the point where i fall back to hoping the crappiest unrealistic things when all i want right now is to stop hoping and let the gloom suck me into it's void. Leaving me to dwell on thoughts with a heightened awareness with the assistance of booze. Make me or Break me. Unleash me.(ok fine, i don't know what i want anymore because my life has taken ugly turns)

Stories To Tell

2007-04-20T18:36:00.001+08:00

...but i've come to realize
we are not all amazing stories
waiting to be told,
we are more like amazing lives
ready to be lived.

P/s: live your dreams with me and join the line.

Unfinished Business

2007-04-20T05:05:00.000+08:00

Battling writer's block is tough. To alleviate the tedium, i light up a stick. Sit back and watch the wispy smoke dance around as it escapes my mouth. They didn't form the words i wanted to type here. You can consider that my HD mind has hanged itself. Crashed? maybe. All i've got to say is I've got some unfinished business. Be back later.

Cramped Part3

2007-04-20T05:00:00.000+08:00

I've got a lot to do and time is limited. I'll just jot down some stuffs that needs to be done.

~~Sketch up a chic(sexy) business woman for Malinda's project.~~
~~Find an alibi to go out~~.
Print some remaining stuffs for my portfolio. 25.
~~Alter a shirt or patch up a few of my jeans. 15.~~
Cut the handlebar of my bike. 10.
Do some vector art.
Do vector for Sue.
Make a wallpiece for a "friend". (still gotta check the canvas price and all)
Tattoo Design for The 'A'. (urgent. end o'mth)
Purchase The Magician's Guild Trilogy Novel. 45.
Buy Annie May's Black Book. 17.
Buy two books from Toa Payoh. (1 is red, the other blue)
Buy photo frame at Toa Payoh. 10.
Print a few photos; 4R size.
Get my helmet design done and actually finish up the ideas gnawing in my mind.
Print pixie design on tee for Pixie. 20.
Fix the green neckpiece.
~~Shave my head.~~
Buy 3 books by Neil Gaiman.
Revamp eikk's room.
Coleman bag. 25.
~~Phone Memory Card.~~
The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak. 45.
Goggles. 15.

Well that's about it. I'll update more if there is any. My time is running out.

Importance Of Being Idle

2007-04-17T18:27:00.000+08:00

. . .

ouh and my comrade, Mighty Magnus has started a blog. His link is BoTHuG. okgo

I'll like to note...

2007-04-13T03:06:00.000+08:00

that today is a very special day. I will celebrate with whatever dough i got. I'll make the best of it. (5sen ke 5dollar ke? mesti celebrate!)

For today is,

Friday the 13th.

And also the day i found out that I have the same IQ level with Jim Morrison. I'd like to kiss the toes of a certain someone and tandeh ah thank ah'm a-gonna go ovuh and pee-yuss on that there fahr hydrant.

P/s: Nobody would stay interested in me if i was normal.

Karate Chops

2007-04-13T03:00:00.000+08:00

As i turn and look back at the people I've met earlier in life. I noticed a strange disturbing throbbing glow around each of the passerbys. An aura I was not able to see before. People are strange.
And i'm not only talking about girls. I'm talking on a more human term. Everybody befriends somebody because it will benefit them in some sense. Girls are bootlickers. Guys are boastful and empty talks. Actually both of the gender is a little bit of each. Proud claims such as forever loving you, sticking together no matter what and i love you(s) must be part of a technique to suck up to someone hoping that someone turn into a fool and benefit you more. Boasting about the things they would do for you or with you so that if you're gullible enough, you will fall into the trap. This all talk-no action attitude is omnipresent in everyday life. When the opportunities reveal itself for them to support their words, they wouldn't be as enthusiastic as they were when promising it.
Just a pack of cunts who'll only 'showcase' their ever-absent capabilities like shop showcasing a product not for sale. Like most of the people we call friends. When times get rough, they poof and disappear. So if anyone is going to promise me something the next time round. Ask yourself how certain are you about your claim? Certain enough to back it up with your life?

No? Shut it then.

Crash

2007-03-25T03:51:00.000+08:00

I'm blessed in many areas but i never quite appreciated those blessings or chances i get but i can still afford to be generous. I've made a peace offer with someone who was on the edgy side. I've forgiven the mistake of underestimating me even though i never heard an apology 'cause i know i can do better and that matters. I've apologised first because partly, it was my fault too. At least i think so or is this one of my fragile-i-don't-wanna-lose-you behaviour?

I've stopped biting my tongue. The relevant individual have already known my most naked & sacred thoughts as she dives into my soul at the library. She still has to let me see the list. That was the deal, anyway.

Currently, I'm bracing myself as i take the routes i used to travel. I'm just letting 15year old me come out. Relationship-wise. It's rather unnerving as i try my best not to be a tyrant, to go out there and expose myself to agony. I've done selfless things before, a few more couldn't kill me. I guess? So i played my cards like an honest hero as i break down the walls that had imprisoned me for four years. I've stop detaching myself from emotions. ~~I was about to lay myself~~ I've laid myself before you raising the stakes on this bet. I assure you, i won't fail. I've never did. All the other times it didn't work out, it wasn't my fault because i've never believed in giving up. Until today i don't know why they leave without trying. I'm ashamed too sometimes.
BUT NOW
i kind of get the grip why they do. I seem to understand it more as i notice that if the other party never stops to listen, they person calling out will soon lose their voice and stop calling. One might never give up but does one listens closely? I feel like i want to disappear as i lose my voice. Or should i play it safe until I'm absolutely positive of risking it all? (sometimes i wish the confession sessions system i made with Peq will work with you. I've never tried thou but i have a feeling it wouldn't. It involves more than two. You need a mediator or a group. I am a part of 3 too.) Anyway it's bbr&r for me so for a chance to be with you, I'll gladly risk it all.

I know i've got a lot of stuffs on my heart right now and i'm trying to give myself some space as certain things aren't taking up shape yet. I'll drive slow now so i won't crash.

P/S: I'm waiting for my carousel candy tin.

February smarts

2007-03-22T02:57:00.000+08:00

Sedikit sesuatu untuk dibaca. the blue's are my replies to what an email said about ppl born in February.

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and
abstract. Intelligent and clever.
" Yes, i am abstract. I am the Lizard King and i can do anything"
Changing personality.
" I don't think i ever change because people keep telling me you're still the same old eri"
Attractive.sexiest out of everyone.
" Is this true? huahuahua"
A real speed demon.
" I don't know yet larh ehk.. Still need to get me my license first."
Has more than one best friend.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble.
Honest and loyal. Determined to reach
goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted.
" Very true about me. Kepala angin. pemalu dgn strangers. Blunt and loyal."
Loves aggressiveness. Too
sensitive and easily hurt.
" thuglove, baybehhh. very soft and marshmellowy beneath the tyrannical & aggressive exterior."
Gets angry really easily but does not show it.
" yes, i keep the hurts bottle up. if they only knew how much hurt they've caused me, would they treat me better?"
Dislikes unnecessary things.
" yes. iya benar!"
Loves making friends but rarely shows it.
Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious.
Realizing dreams and hopes.
" i like new characters to observe. very kebulor, hees. daring tu tk sangat larhs. Bercita-cita tinggi dan berharapan besar."
Sharp.
" bushido code. make a decision withing 7breath. Uncertainty is a weakness"
Loves entertainment and leisure.
Romantic on the inside not outside.
" yes, i talk the stinkiest bullcrap ever but deep within all that is a marshmellow center." (eh. rhyme larh sia!)
Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift.
" yes. i love to spend."
Tries to learn to show emotions.
" but always sends out the wrong signals. Somebody said i say to many Bs instead of the As. Major screw-up kan. nabei hong kan lar joji."

All in all, i think what the email said about me is mostly accurate in general. Yes, i am a February Star. So know me a little bit better k. Kudos world.